Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
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the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Otters see a butterfly.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
it is time once again
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle