Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
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[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
I am laughing way too hard at this.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
“i miss shittin on people”
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.