Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
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Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Still my favourite meme.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus