you gotta be faster
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Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Me checking my bank balance online.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.