Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
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Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
5 ways to appear taller
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf