Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
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Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Friends that check up on you >
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.