a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
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If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?