The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
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Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
Seductively sings in Klingon.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
I’m Sold!
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something