I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
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Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
For anyone who needs this today
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies