People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
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I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
(2022)
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog