Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
You Might Also Like
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”