YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
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*orders delivery*
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount