it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
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[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Always…
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*