I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
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REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Waiting for the Charmin
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Not messing around
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.