Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
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I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.