Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
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Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
me before I type out affect or effect
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Overindulged this afternoon.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
British websites use biscuits.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?