*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
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My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.