Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
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him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.