Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
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*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Same post same
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”