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4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Liquor Store Parking
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches