Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
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It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
best first i’ve ever seen
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Simple
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate