one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
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That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.