I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
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[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
yeah not falling for this one