Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
You Might Also Like
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”