friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
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Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
that’s really how it is
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.