My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
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I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”