I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
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God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
it must be school picture day
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF