[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
You Might Also Like
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.