Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
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Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
You have been warned.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.