*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
You Might Also Like
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
SCARY COSTUME
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying