GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
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[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
the rocks need my help
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Pretty much. 🤣
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”