Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
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Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
EMOTICON GUIDE
馃檪 I’m happy
馃槈 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
馃檨 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Can鈥檛, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Date: I鈥檓 looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let鈥檚 do this!
Kid: It鈥檚 just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 馃檪
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I鈥檓 about to find out if it鈥檚 waterproof
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Can鈥檛 believe it鈥檚 December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
ghost of christmas past but it鈥檚 just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.