-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
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*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Stop making fast and furious movies.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.