No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
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gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense