“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
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Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Aaaa…CHOO!
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice