My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
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SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?