Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
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“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.