My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
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[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
#growingpains
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what