God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
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Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end