I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
You Might Also Like
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away