Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
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[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
It’s a gift
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
couldn’t resist
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
where the womens at?
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds