*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
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11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.