They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
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Ok, but like, how married are you?
Sponch
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.