ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
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UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I was just discussing this with my cat
Finally!
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
The game has officially changed 😎
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.