A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
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my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
In case you needed to hear it:
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.