Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
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constantly working on myself.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.