If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
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I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Every work meeting this week
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?