Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
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The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
The struggle is real.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.