Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
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Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Bless you
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”