superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
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[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider